In my practice, I see a fair amount of people who have been scapegoated in their families of origin. There is a conspicuous bigness that scapegoated people seem to possess. I mean ‘big’ in the size and strength of one’s body and personality. Over time I have come to conclude that the ‘size’ of scapegoated individuals is no accident. A …
Why adult children of narcissists can be so money and not even know it
I have a very smart and wonderful client, Karen*, who recently said: “I feel like you are always telling me that I’m right and everyone else is wrong Isn’t it somewhere in the middle?”. Her question gave me pause. Was I erring on the side of being too supportive and excusing her of responsibility? Had I abandoned ‘therapeutic neutrality’ in …
‘Good Will Hunting’ through the lens of Control-Mastery Theory
Good Will Hunting is one of my favorite movies. Will’s character is so compelling. By day he hangs out with his hard-living friends. By night he exercises his genius by solving quadratic equations, reading voraciously, and thinking big thoughts. Put another way, his public self seems to contradict his private self. And the contradiction goes in an unusual direction. …
Kids taking care of parents: Why The Godfather and Dave Chappelle say parentification is bad
Don Vito Corleone in the Godfather was not a paragon of gender equality. Witness his famous statement: “I spend my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can afford to be careless, but not men.” His statement on women is false and misogynous but he offers a truth about children: they need to feel safe being careless. …
How early relationships can define reality – for better or worse
“In the end the Party would announce that two and two made five, and you would have to believe it.” – George Orwell 1984 I find in my therapy practice that there is nothing wrong with my clients except that they believe there is. People do not insist on a perception of reality that worsens quality of life out of …
So you had a bad childhood…
To know whether you experienced a bad childhood, take this short assessment. The majority of adults in the United States had parents who were ‘good-enough’. This does not mean that everything was perfect in these families. Rather there was enough consistency, support, and flexibility for children to develop. There is a sizable minority in the population whose parents …
The illusion of control in addiction
by Jay Reid Drugs and alcohol can be fun to consume. If they weren’t, then a lot less people would find themselves struggling with addiction. How does recreational use of drugs or alcohol transition to full-blown addiction? Addiction means believing you can control your use despite all the evidence that you cannot. What does the illusion of control over addictive behavior look like? …
The emotional hazards of being “too nice”
by Jay Reid This blog post is the first in a series dedicated to having to give up what you really think or feel in order to keep important relationships intact. All references to clients are fictional. Joan walked into my office with an ear-to-ear smile. She explained a painful cycle of anxiety attacks at work and feelings of emptiness …
How to find a therapist that can help you – ‘the relationship’s the thing’
This blog post is dedicated to letting you know what research says is most helpful in psychotherapy. I hope that after reading this you feel more informed about what characteristics to look for as you try to find a therapist. More than sixty years of research has determined that therapy works. People who undergo some form of psychotherapy are better off than about …
What is psychotherapy and how does it work?
Does psychotherapy seem like something that only certain people need? Do you feel intimidated to talk to a stranger about your problems? Do you wonder how talking to someone can make any difference in how you feel? Psychotherapy – in my opinion – can be useful to nearly everyone. It is not just for those who are profoundly depressed, anxious, …
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