recover from narcissistic abuse by deciding how you’re spoken to

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse by Deciding How You’re Spoken To

I want to talk about a destructive tactic used by a narcissistically abusive parent and how you can begin to heal from it and live in defiance of it. Let me start with a fictionalized example of a client named Terence. Terence grew up with a narcissistic mother who would yell and berate Terence for the slightest supposed ‘offenses’ throughout …

when language gets weird after narcissistic abuse

When Language Gets Weird After Narcissistic Abuse

Do you find it difficult to know your own opinion in life? Do you tend to regard others as the ‘experts’ and defer to their judgment? Does it seem like whatever you conclude is going to be wrong somehow while others are going to be right? If you’re familiar with any of these experiences then today’s post may be useful.  …

how scapegoats can speak their voice after narcissistic abuse

How Scapegoats Can Speak Their Voice After Narcissistic Abuse

Do you have difficulty knowing what you want for yourself? Do relationships seem to be all about what the other person wants and needs? Do you have to curate what you say before you say it for fear of not being understood? If you answered yes to any of these questions and you identify as the scapegoat to a narcissistic …

feeling like an outcast after being the narcissist’s scapegoat

Feeling Like an Outcast After Being the Narcissist’s Scapegoat

Have you often felt different from everyone else in group settings? Has it seemed like a matter of when, not if others will see you as an outcast? Have you found yourself feeling excluded and unwelcome in your friendships and relationships? If you answered yes to any of these questions and survived narcissistic abuse as a scapegoat then you may …

what you sacrificed is what saves you

What a Scapegoat Sacrificed Is What Saves After Narcissistic Abuse

Most scapegoat survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle to know they can safely experience themselves as they actually are.  They’ve had to don a costume of being abhorrent to the people who they first met in life and tragically learned how dangerous it was to take off that costume.  The crux of recovery from being the scapegoat in a family structured …

scapegoat survivor

The Scapegoat’s Instinct To Include Others

In my work with individuals who have survived being the scapegoat in their family of origin I am almost always struck by their deep capacity to understand, empathize with, and offer acceptance to the experience of other people.  It’s striking because these people exhibit these instincts despite – for the most part – not knowing this treatment firsthand in the …

adequate after narcissistic abuse

Knowing You’re Adequate After Narcissistic Abuse

Do you notice that you find yourself to be inadequate almost without cause?   Do you perceive yourself to be inadequate in comparison to others? Are you surprised or in disbelief when someone praises you for your adequacy in some regard? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions then you may have had your sense of basic adequacy attacked …

Why a Narcissist Deceives the Public and Abuses in Private

Did you have a narcissistic parent who showered people outside the home with deference, respect and charm? Did that same parent have no trouble turning against you once the doors to the outside world closed? Did you have to worry constantly about your narcissistic parent feeling embarrassed by your behavior ‘out in public’ such that you would hear about it …

journey of the scapegoat survivor of narcissistic abuse

Journey of the Scapegoat Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

Being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family is to be saddled with all of the narcissistic parent’s problems and sent into exile.  The scapegoat child has to keep finding ways to hold onto the narcissistic parent in the face of this rejection.  Usually that’s done by that child believing things about themselves that lets them perceive the narcissistic parent’s abuse …

scapegoat’s mental frame after narcissistic abuse

The Scapegoat’s Mental Frame After Narcissistic Abuse

Someone who had survived narcissistic abuse as the scapegoat in his family of origin recently described what it was like for him to play his favorite sport – basketball.  We’ll call this person ‘Steph’ (no relation to Curry).  Steph loved shooting baskets and playing in pickup games with his friends since he was 5 years old.  Something just felt good …