My approach to therapy
If you grew up as the family scapegoat...
...on the surface, life might look “fine” now. You are competent, thoughtful, maybe even successful. Yet inside there is a constant undertone of shame, self‑doubt, and the feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
Why it still feels this way
The scapegoat child has to believe they're defective and undeserving to survive...those beliefs tend to last into adulthood.
Adult scapegoat survivors still feel bad inside because of beliefs they had to adopt early on: that they're defective and undeserving. Every child needs to share a reality with their parent, because the alternative, feeling like nobody to no one, isn't survivable. With a narcissistic parent, the only shared reality on offer is being an inferior someone to a superior somebody.
Those beliefs got you through childhood. Today, they're what keep the suffering going.
At this point you might be asking, "OK, so what can I do about these beliefs?"
The work
How therapy can help scapegoat survivors
To change beliefs formed in a scapegoated childhood, you need new experiences in new relationships that prove the old dangers won't return when you defy them. That's what my approach to therapy is designed to do.
- 1
What are your goals? You decide what you want to get out of therapy.
- 2
What’s in the way of your goals? We identify the specific beliefs that have been holding you back to date.
- 3
Where did those obstacles come from? You get to tell your story to someone who understands, and we see how those beliefs were once necessary.
- 4
Clearing the path You are understood and responded to in ways that let you know it’s safe to defy those beliefs today.
Everything I describe here comes from a form of psychodynamic therapy called Control-Mastery Theory. I've written a book on using it with scapegoat survivors: Therapy with Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Parents.
See the book on AmazonHere's what scapegoat survivors can expect to get from therapy.
When a belief is active, your attention filters for proof that it is true. In therapy, you get to safely examine the evidence you usually overlook: people who stay when you assert yourself, situations where you do not get punished for saying no, moments where your competence and power do not destroy anyone.
Over time, scapegoat survivors often notice:
- Less automatic guilt and shame when they set boundaries
- More freedom to choose relationships where they are respected and cherished
- A growing ability to take in positive feedback without batting it away
- Real movement toward long-blocked goals in work, love, and creative life
- A felt sense of safety inside their own skin
Measuring what helps
A structured, evidence-informed approach
Control‑Mastery Theory, developed by Joseph Weiss and colleagues (Weiss & Sampson, 1986), gives us a clear map for the four steps above. I also bring my background as a data scientist to make your therapy measurable and responsive.
Before your first session with me, you complete a 20-minute online assessment. Together with our conversations, this helps us answer the first three questions and formulate a clear understanding of what will help you reach your goals.
Throughout our work, you complete brief pre‑session and post‑session check‑ins so we can track:
- PREHow life is going outside of therapy
- POSTWhether sessions feel helpful, safe, and energizing
Research and clinical experience suggest that as pathogenic beliefs loosen, scapegoat survivors feel more comfortable, engaged, and vital in and out of sessions. If your scores dip, we treat that as useful information and adjust, as the purpose of all of this measurement is to make sure we're doing what truly helps you reclaim your life from the scapegoat role.
What colleagues say
Jay is an excellent therapist. He is compassionate, thoughtful and very well trained. I know Jay through working alongside him and he has always been consistently brilliant and thoughtful in the approach to his work. I often refer clients to him and know they will be treated well. He has an inviting and effective approach to therapy.
Psychotherapist in Private Practice, San Francisco
Jay is down to earth and naturally mixes good humor with heartfelt communication to help you feel at ease and able to talk about anything. As a colleague of Jay's, I know him to be extremely dedicated to his work. His approach is thoughtful, warm and caring. I would recommend Jay without hesitation and believe he will make a great fit for most people looking for a therapist.
Psychotherapist in Private Practice, San Francisco
Jay is a caring, empathic, and gifted psychotherapist. He is adept at finding a pathway to connecting with all kinds of clients and crafting a safe space for them to explore their challenging issues and concerns. He is flexible and creative in his attempts to form a therapeutic alliance, thus facilitating his clients’ abilities to commit to examining and resolving what is getting in the way of their getting the most out of life. I highly recommend him.
Psychotherapist in Private Practice, San Francisco
If you recognize yourself in the scapegoat role and want a thoughtful, evidence‑informed path out of it, you are welcome to contact me for a free 15‑minute phone consultation.
We can explore whether this way of working feels like a good fit for you.
Book a free 15-minute consult