[EleanorParticipant]

Thank you for the course you have made Jay. I’ve really learnt an awful lot from you and it has changed my life so profoundly in only a few weeks. I don’t use the word lightly, it is miraculous.

My comment here is about the beliefs we may hold as survivors. I am wondering if it is possible that we can sometimes hold beliefs about hope, a good future, good things happening to us that try to inhibit awareness of such things being possible. For example, I got an illness recently and although I did not allow myself to worry, I was aware that I couldn’t feel any hope either. I just kept feeling that it was best to prepare for the worst outcome, this felt safest. I started to wonder if I was actually trying to lose or avoid awareness of any possibility there could be a good outcome. I’ve found in previous circumstances that if there is a good outcome I feel somewhat numb too, rather than joyful, happy or really relieved. I feel something is actually stopping me from thinking anything hopeful at all. I find the same thing with safety, and hoping for any kind of safety or peace. It feels too dangerous almost to let such feelings or thoughts in, so much so I have not even been aware of this until today.

I also sometimes feel almost unreal or deceiving myself if I have any positive emotions or thoughts.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this?

[Gina GParticipant]

I do

[MARTIN ETHERIDGEParticipant]

I experience the same as you Eleanor. I understand it as fear of stepping out of the scapegoat role. A good scapegoat can’t experience feelings of joy or hope, if he does he loses the role. I experienced the scapegoat role as the only thing for which I had value, the only thing the world needed me for and the only way I had of showing love. I would lose all of that if I stepped out of the role by asserting myself.
I also unconsciously knew that both of my parents mental disturbances required a scapegoat, and I was designate that role by them, so I knew that stepping out of the role would destroy them and because I needed them as a child, it would destroy me.
The fears have always been there but I have coped by denial, avoidance (of others and myself), suppression of my feelings, dissociation and codependent behaviour.
I am now dealing with those fears which involves a lot of grief.
My advice would be focus on the scapegoating issue (I’ve tried other things because they were less frightening) and take you time. X