For adult scapegoat survivors of narcissistic parents
Do you feel like there's something wrong with you? Or that your needs don't matter?
If you grew up as the scapegoat child to a narcissistic parent, there's a reason for that. This role requires a child to feel bad so the parent can feel good.
Living like you're defective or undeserving meant survival in such a childhood. But these coping styles keep you stuck now. You can recover the quality of life that you've always deserved. Read on to learn how.
Are you an adult scapegoat survivor?
Many scapegoat survivors don't know that's what they are.
They just know something has felt off for as long as they can remember. This short quiz looks at the patterns scapegoat survivors tend to share.
Your results are sent to your email. Nothing here is a diagnosis.
This has a name
If you were the scapegoat child, here's how the role forms.
The scapegoat child to a narcissistic parent has to feel bad so the parent doesn't have to. It isn't a flaw in the child. It's a system, and it works in five moves.
- 1
The parent carries an unbearable sense of worthlessness
A narcissistic parent carries a core, unconscious sense of worthlessness they can’t bear to know about. This is the engine of the whole dynamic.
- 2
They relocate those feelings into someone they have power over
Instead of feeling the worthlessness, they hand it off. The terms of care become: you identify as “bad” so I can identify as “supremely good.”
- 3
They treat the child in ways that make it feel true
Always finding what’s wrong in the child. Ignoring the child’s need for emotional nourishment. Forcing the child to submit.
- 4
The child has no choice but to opt in
Being out of sync with a parent feels like being nobody to no one, and no child can survive a steady dose of that. Opting in isn’t weakness. It’s survival.
- 5
The child adapts by adopting painful beliefs
They come to believe there’s something wrong with them and that they deserve less. Those beliefs follow them into adulthood and keep the suffering going long after childhood ends.
Those beliefs were never true, and they're no longer necessary. Really knowing that takes new experiences in relationships today that counter how things used to be.
That's where my approach to recovery begins.
A path to recovery that works
The Three Pillars of Recovery
When adult scapegoat survivors apply these three principles to their lives today, they find compassion, protection and freedom for themselves. All three happen inside new relationships: they're what you'll experience working with me, and what you'll carry into the rest of your relationships.
Click or tap 1, 2 or 3 to explore each pillar
Pillar 1
Making Sense
You gain compassion for yourself.
Making sense of what happened lets you see, with compassion for yourself, that all the blame, devaluation, and neglect was never your fault.
Where you'll find it
A path to recovery that works
The Three Pillars of Recovery
When adult scapegoat survivors apply these three principles to their lives today, they find compassion, protection and freedom for themselves. All three happen inside new relationships: they're what you'll experience working with me, and what you'll carry into the rest of your relationships.
Click or tap 1, 2 or 3 to explore each pillar
Pillar 2
Gaining Distance
You protect yourself.
Gaining distance from narcissistic abusers today protects you from further psychological harm, and makes room for people who are safe to be close to.
Where you'll find it
A path to recovery that works
The Three Pillars of Recovery
When adult scapegoat survivors apply these three principles to their lives today, they find compassion, protection and freedom for themselves. All three happen inside new relationships: they're what you'll experience working with me, and what you'll carry into the rest of your relationships.
Click or tap 1, 2 or 3 to explore each pillar
Pillar 3
Defying the Rules
You free yourself.
Living in defiance of the narcissist’s rules frees you to live by your own rules.
Where you'll find it
A path to recovery that works
The Three Pillars of Recovery
When adult scapegoat survivors apply these three principles to their lives today, they find compassion, protection and freedom for themselves. All three happen inside new relationships: they're what you'll experience working with me, and what you'll carry into the rest of your relationships.
Click or tap 1, 2 or 3 to explore each pillar
Where all three come together
New relationships today
You experience it, not just understand it.
The pillars come alive when someone responds to you differently than your family did. That’s what happens in therapy, coaching, and the group class, and it’s what you learn to find in the rest of your relationships.
Where you'll find it
Step 1 · Begin on your own
Two places to start. Pick the one that fits today.
Step 2 · Go deeper
Four self-study courses
Work through them at your own pace, with lifetime access. Each one is tagged with the pillar it builds.
Step 3 · Work with me directly
You heal by learning those old beliefs are no longer needed in relationships today
Reading helps you make sense of what happened. Being in relationships that don't require you to be inadequate or undeserving is how you begin to feel better.
In therapy, coaching, and/or my online group class you get this kind of needed new experience in relationships to free yourself from having to believe you're defective or undeserving. It's what psychologists refer to as the corrective emotional experience.
A live class with other scapegoat survivors. Through partner work and guided practice, you get to be heard without having to explain, and feel the old script lose its grip.
Work that helps you identify and disconfirm the beliefs that stand in your way, with measurable feedback on how it’s going so we can course-correct together.
What Colleagues Say
“Jay is a gifted therapist who is dedicated to his clients’ well-being and growth. I recommend him highly.”
Psychotherapist in Private Practice, San Francisco
“Jay Reid has a special combination of being a deep thinker and also being approachable. It is easy to talk to Jay and I suspect that is one of the best things about him when in the therapy room. In addition to his warmth, I especially respect his insight into the myriad ways that trauma histories impact people. Jay is an excellent psychotherapist.”
Psychotherapist in Private Practice, San Francisco
What scapegoat survivors say
“It became very clear to me that the patterns in me are not mine, it's a result of having narcissistic parents. For the first time I felt like I was okay and I will be okay.”
If I could write an autobiography, this book is it.
I have never seen what I’m experiencing explained so fully. It helps me understand things better and makes me feel less alone and defective.
Your videos cut to the core of what I have experienced and the fact that you offer concrete actions for solutions is life-changing.
Keep learning, free
Not ready for the full journey yet? Start here.
A new video every week on recovery from narcissistic abuse, for scapegoat survivors specifically.
Watch → Free webinar Defy the Narcissist’s 2 Biggest RulesBreak free from the narcissist’s two biggest rules by finding compassion for the parts of you that still feel defective or undeserving.
Watch the webinar → Free webinar Leaving the Upside-Down: How Scapegoat Survivors Learn to Live Rightside-UpEver wonder why it feels dangerous for scapegoat survivors to think good thoughts about themselves? This webinar shows you why and what you can start doing to reclaim your right to self-respect.
Watch the webinar → Free webinar Why Feeling Good Feels WrongUnderstand how and why scapegoat survivors find the “good things in life” to create anxiety instead of happiness. And how to start living right-side up.
Watch the webinar → Substack Weekly Writings for Scapegoat SurvivorsCarefully crafted essays on recovery from narcissistic abuse for scapegoat survivors. Written twice per week.
Read →
About me
Jay Reid, M.S., LPCC
I'm a licensed practicing psychotherapist in San Francisco, CA, and I've been working with survivors of narcissistic abuse since 2014. I'm also a psychoanalyst in training at the San Francisco Center for Psychoanalysis.
I know what it's like to be the scapegoat in my own family of origin. Survivors have had to falsely believe they're much worse than they are, and that's unfair. Therapy is about coming to know the good news: you're much better than you've been made to believe.
For therapists and coaches
Are you a professional who works with scapegoat survivors?
Training resources to treat scapegoat survivors.